


I Will Stand

by aj_linguistik



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga), ソードアート・オンライン - 川原礫 | Sword Art Online - Kawahara Reki
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Blood, One Shot, Pain, Platonic Soulmates, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25228555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aj_linguistik/pseuds/aj_linguistik
Summary: His longing to be reunited with Eugeo is so great that it's beyond reason. He thinks Eugeo will be grateful to see him again, but his partner sees things very differently.
Relationships: Eugeo & Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito, Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna
Comments: 17
Kudos: 49





	I Will Stand

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I had to get this out of my system. It's inspired by/based around the visuals from the new ED, "I will..." by Aoi Eir. So, spoilers for War of Underworld Part 2 and especially its ED. The ED is so beautiful and it hit me very hard with the inspiration stick.

“So…this is what it means to die?”

Pain no longer mattered in this state. As blood dripped off of my fingers and dripped down my chest, pooling onto the ground from the hole I’d gouged in my heart, I felt myself become light. This was the only way. Eugeo passed into a world well beyond my reach. His soul might have been contained by a small metal cube, reminding the outside world that he was nothing more than data, but he was more than that. He was a living thing. His soul departed just like any human soul would. The only way to reach him now was by the same fate.

Dying means leaving behind everything I still had in life. But that cost felt worth it. My hands, now stained with my own blood, had been stained for years, now. This blood now felt like nothing compared to Eugeo’s blood; I’d let him empty his out onto the cold cathedral floor, giving every ounce of his life to save me. I’m not such a worthy man that I deserved a single drop of it. In the white space of my vision, I stumbled along. I reached up one hand to hold myself up.

Blood stuck to the cool, smooth wall my hand came in contact with. I leaned against it and tried to focus my vision. The place I was in was unfamiliar, with grey walls and pillars. Down the middle of the space, a channel of water ran away from me. A single boat was tethered a few feet out into the water. Numerous arches marked the path along which the traveler must go. My aching heart felt weary. I wanted to be done with my journey. I tripped forward and fell down into the water.

It was cold. Horrifically cold. I wanted to grasp and claw my way out of it, but my energy was all but gone. I felt my body float up to the surface. The weightless sensation started to counter the displeasure of feeling cold. My eyes cracked open just a sliver. Bright light from above filled my eyes. This place had no roof. Just open sky, interrupted at intervals by beams of solid grey that stretched across it.

_“Kirito-kun…where are you going?”_

A voice I recalled from ages ago. Whose soft voice was that? An image appeared in my head, albeit very faint. A woman. A tenderness. One of those things I was choosing to leave behind. My eyes slipped closed again. Guilt made my chest feel heavy. Funny. Hadn’t I emptied that cavity not too long ago? It should feel lighter. I sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

The voice didn’t speak again. I drew in a breath. Could one really breathe when dead? I suppose I wasn’t quite gone yet. Not until I saw his face would I truly know I was dead. I forced myself to turn over in the water and slowly pull myself into the boat. I ease myself down onto the seat and don’t have it in me to row. I’m so tired.

Without prompting, the boat sails forward on its own. I suppose that this journey is inevitable. No matter how long it takes. No matter how tired I am. This boat will take me to my destination. It’s powered by my longing to see him again. It will not stop to let me off, nor will it stop to take a rest. It requires no wind, sail, or oars. All it needs it my heart, which beats slower and slower by the minute, coming closer and closer to stopping forever.

The ride is smooth and doesn’t rock like one might imagine. The rippling water doesn’t undulate. How strange this all is. Were I filled with vigor, I might be encouraged to observe everything happening around me. I just feel numb, though. That guilt is vanishing the further away from the starting point I’m sent. That voice will not return. I’m sure of it. The one thing drawing me back to the world of life cannot reach me here. I’ve gone too far.

Perhaps this is for the better.

The scenery around me does not change. It’s like a looping video track or an infinite mirror trick. The beginning, somewhere far behind me, appears to have vanished. The end is nowhere in sight. I’ve been given all too much time to think about Eugeo. What would I say to him, when I reached the end at long last? And what would he say to me in return? So much had been on my chest since his passing.

For so long, I’ve been in the dark. I remember very little after Eugeo died in my arms. The world faded to black shortly after, responding to my will to die. But ages went on in that darkness. It replayed every nightmare, every horror, every terror that I’d ever witnessed. Every rejection I’d felt or given, every death I’d witnessed or dealt—it was all there, poisoning my mind endlessly. Only now that I’d caved into that darkness and torn out my own heart was I free to slowly make my way to Eugeo now.

What made this time so different? The sentiment is hard to put into words. I’d felt very strongly over losing someone before. Who was that? I felt something tug at the empty hole in my chest. Eugeo was the only face sticking out in my mind. He’d been something to me—something stronger than a friend. Our bond should have been unbreakable. Our bond was still unbreakable, right? My death would lead me straight to him because that bond would guide me.

The space in front of me grew lighter, to an almost blinding point. I wanted to lift my arm and shield my eyes from it, but my arms refused to move. My eyes burned in the brightness, begging me to protect them. But once again, pain was nothing right now. I refused to answer their call, allowing my vision to be filled with the white light entirely. It would pass, I suppose. All I needed left to see was Eugeo. Then I could vanish into nothingness at his side.

It took a few minutes for my vision to clear. I caught a glimpse of the other shore. Could one call it a shore? It was the same grey world as was on my left and my right. Something was different about this end, though. My eyes opened a bit more as I focused on the space. There was someone standing with the back towards me. A pale blue top. A navy sash. Grey pants. Brown boots.

Flaxen hair.

A bit of my energy seemed to come back. At last! I’d been reunited with him at last. The boat arrived at the end and made as if to stand up. He turned to look at me, those familiar green eyes meeting mine. Emotion welled up in my chest. Yes, I’d taken the right path. Death was the only gateway that would lead me back to Eugeo. There was shock written all over his face. A peculiar smile then graced his lips. He took a few slow steps and then stepped down into the boat.

“What are you…doing?” I found myself saying.

Weren’t we supposed to stay here, at the end?

Eugeo continued to smile at me. There was a look in his eyes that spoke to me without any words. Sadness filled his heart. His eyes had looked much the same way when he’d lain in my arms bleeding out. This ache in his heart had never gone away, and yet I thought being together again might soothe my own. I swallowed and reached out my hand to Eugeo. It shook with fear. Why? Why was he so sorrowful?

“I should be asking you that, Kirito.”

His voice sounded just as I remembered it. It was as if not a day had gone by since I last heard him speaking to me, giving a name to my sword with his dying breaths. His eyes were lidded and seemed heavy. He reached out his hand, passing mine, and he cupped my cheek with it. Unlike the last time we’d touched, his palm felt warm. His thumb stroked my cheek.

“Why are you here, Kirito?” he asked. “I told you to stand.”

I couldn’t control the tears that now streamed down my cheeks. It wasn’t fair. I came all of the way here just to greet him. Why was he looking at me like this? Tears brimmed those brilliant, kind, green irises and threatened to sully his smiling face.

“I…I came for you,” I said.

Eugeo shook his head. His hair rustled in the silence.

“I never asked you to follow me,” he said.

His voice was like a whisper. It was gentle, despite the evident hurt in his eyes. I felt like his voice was caressing me, softly holding me there captive. He might have been scolding me like a disappointed parent, but he wasn’t angry with me. His other hand lifted up and cupped my cheek. I swallowed and tried not to break out into a sob.

“I don’t want to leave you, Eugeo,” I told him.

It was the honest truth.

He shook his head at me.

“My journey ended,” he said. “I wasn’t meant to step past that moment with you. But your journey isn’t over yet, Kirito. There are people you need to save. You came to this world to save the people in it. You can’t leave on account of one.”

The feelings in my chest tightened up. I wanted the pain to leave, not grow stronger. The desire to claw at my chest and remove my aching heart crept back up my throat. I felt my body start to shake. I clutched my chest. The hole from before was gone. I dug my fingers into my skin. One of Eugeo’s hands reached down and grasped my wrist.

“Kirito.”

His grip was strong. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. With the hand still on my cheek, he pulled me closer to him and rested our foreheads together.

“I meant what I said,” he said. “You’re my best friend. You’re my hero.”

I swallowed, trying to rid myself of the sob threatening to escape my mouth.

“I need you to stand for me,” he said. “I cannot stand anymore. I know I’m far away. I miss you, too.”

I wrenched my hand out of his grasp and took ahold of his shirt with both hands. He didn’t resist my rather rough hold. I clutched him there until my hands begged me to let go. I pulled myself off of the seat and wrapped my arms around him. He wanted to leave me again. I wasn’t going to leave him. I’d left him once before. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the strength to.

“Kirito, I’ll always be there with you,” he said. “Even if I’m not physically there, you need to understand that I’m with you in spirit. You were my strength for me during our time together. Let me be yours now.”

Still struggling to hold in the sob, I shook my head against his chest.

“I can’t…I can’t leave you again, Eugeo.”

He planted one hand firmly against my back and rubbed it. His other rested on the back of my head. The dam finally broke; my emotions spilled out onto his shirt. I sobbed until my throat screamed for relief. He just sat there, holding me against him, as we floated aimlessly in the space, until I was finished releasing all of my tension. He pushed me away from him enough to see my tear-stained face. The hand on my head vanished for a moment, and then reappeared to lift my chin up.

“There’s one more thing,” he said.

I sniffled and wiped the tears off of my face.

“What…what do you mean?” I asked.

When I finally looked at his face again, he was looking somewhere distant behind me.

“Someone very important is waiting for you and your strength, too,” he said. “The reason you can’t die just yet, Kirito…she’s holding out her hand. She’s waiting. And she will wait as long as she has to.”

I blinked at him, confused.

“She?”

He nodded.

“It’s not your time,” he said. “You have to go take care of her.”

I shook my head.

“What are you talking about?”

Eugeo didn’t clarify. He just smiled at me.

“Don’t break her heart, Kirito.”

He then stood up, helped me sit on the bench he’d been sitting on, and then stepped back out of the boat. I turned around to protest. He put his hand on my back and pushed forward. I reached back to grasp his hand, but my fingers just barely missed his. I had no way of making the boat go back in his direction. His smile started to fade into the light. I extended my arm as far as I could, tears flowing again.

“EUGEO!”

The white light swallowed him completely. In that moment, everything around me burst. The unmoving, unchanging grey world shattered into millions of pieces, scattering around me haphazardly. I was violently tossed from the boat and fell into the water. I struggled against the current as it pulled me deeper. It felt as if I were being whisked away in a whirlpool. I couldn’t fight it. I couldn’t find up or down.

I was merely pushed forward without a chance to turn back.

After minutes of feeling helpless, like I could not breathe or struggle against my predicament, the water’s surface broke above me. I burst forth from the water, gasping and flailing. Suddenly, there was ground beneath my feet. The water was up to my waist. I tripped and fell back into it. I struggled to find solid footing for a moment. But then, my feet connected, and the water stilled. I stood to my full height and stared out in front of me.

My eyes rested on a beautiful setting sun. The sky was painted with blues, yellows, oranges, and pinks. For miles and miles around me was nothing but this sea. It was tranquil and warm. The water and the sun graced my skin, easing and soothing that uncomfortable cold I’d been trapped in before. I stared helplessly at the setting sun for a moment, allowing the salty breeze to fill my lungs.

“Eugeo…I don’t…”

I heard the water behind me splash, as if a fish or rock had interrupted it. Straightening up a little more, I wondered if I should even investigate the sound. A fish was none of my concern, thought. I needed to find a way back to Eugeo. I needed to know what his words meant.

“Kirito…kun…”

The breath in my lungs ceased.

That voice.

“I know that voice…”

It was a calm, precious, warm voice. I drew in a deep breath. I slowly turned my head to look back over my shoulder. My eyes widened as they rested on a figure just out of reach behind me. A girl with long, chestnut hair blowing in the wind. Worried eyes staring over at me. Her hands pressed over her heart. Tears—once again these ceaseless tears—brimmed at the edges of my eyelids. Everything looked blurry.

“I know you…”

Eugeo’s words echoed in my ears.

_“She’s waiting.”_

I took a staggering step towards the girl.

_“You have to go take care of her.”_

A second step. And a third.

_“Don’t break her heart, Kirito.”_

As many steps as it took until she was right in front of me. I reached up my hand, wanting to touch her cheek. Her face was clear now. Every single detail was clear and in focus. When I didn’t touch her face, she leaned her cheek against my palm and smiled at me. Her own eyes were glittering with tears. An emotion I’d forgotten bubbled up in my chest.

I knew this person.

I knew this voice.

I knew this name.

“Asuna.”

She smiled at me and reached up to cup my cheek.

“I’m waiting, Kirito-kun.”

I nodded my head. She leaned forward and slipped her lips into mine. Yes, I remembered now. This was the person I loved with all of my heart. The pain in my chest finally started to subside, being replaced with a fuzzy, pleasant feeling that was hard to describe. The meaning of Eugeo’s words was clear, now.

“When you open your eyes, I’ll be there,” Asuna said. “Please don’t be long.”

I nodded again.

Our eyes met. There was complete and utter confidence in me reflecting back in them. Mentally, I told Eugeo that I’d understood his message. I felt the pressure of a hand push me a tiny bit closer to Asuna. Our foreheads rested against one another. My eyes slipped closed.

_I remember now, Eugeo._

_I’ll stand._

“I’m coming, Asuna.”

My eyes opened again. This time, looking at a battlefield of distressed soldiers.

I wasn’t gone just yet.

“I will stand, Eugeo.”

I reached my hand out and grasped the hilt of his broken sword. My eyes scanned the area and rested on Asuna, whose eyes, even here, were filled with tears.

“I’m here, Asuna.”

_I won’t leave again._

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Kirito's journey with mental illness throughout SAO is very relatable to me. SAO really paints a picture to me of something I deal with in my life in a lot of ways. It's a very special story to me, and it's visuals like this that just tug at my heart and remind me that there's a piece of my heart represented in media through these characters who go through so much pain. 
> 
> Sorry for the heavy piece. I just needed to get it off of my chest. <3


End file.
